Watch Your Language! - How Parents Can Help Kids Help Themselves
by Frank McGinty

I felt great until I walked into the classroom - then it all went wrong!

No, this wasnt a teacher talking! It was a high school student on the day of an important exam.

She needed a good grade in a particular subject to qualify for a place at college, so she had worked hard and psyched herself up for success.

Then she blew it. She walked into the classroom where students were gathering before going to the exam hall, and allowed herself to be influenced by them.

She told me the atmosphere in the room was charged with negativity. People were sitting around with gloomy faces, some were wringing their hands and pacing up and down. Others were uttering such comments as:

Im going to fail, I just know it!
This is going to be SO hard!
Mr So-and-So said weve nobody to blame but ourselves.
Yeah, its been an easy paper the last two years. Theyre bound to toughen up this year.

So it went on. And the girl in question allowed herself to be sucked under. She reported a feeling of nausea as the confidence drained from her.

In fact, she never failed, but to everyones disappointment, she never got the high grade expected of her.

However, she learned two very important lessons that day:

* Negative language produces negative results

* If were not careful we can easily become infected by the negativity of others.

Our experience in any situation is largely influenced by our attitude to it, (i.e. the way we FEEL, the way we react emotionally to the situation).

Our attitude is affected by our thoughts, our thoughts affect our language, and our thoughts are in turn affected BY our language.

And not only by our OWN language, but by the language of others - if were not careful, that is.

Here in the UK teachers are used to hearing students say Im stuck! when working on a classroom assignment or exercise. A challenge has been encountered and the student is having difficulty finding a solution.

Fair enough, ask the teacher for help, thats what theyre there for. Many a parent has given their kids that advice.

But whats the effect of saying Im stuck?

What message does that send to the brain?

As a teacher, Ive experimented with this many times - and the results are always the same!

Whenever I hear someone say Im stuck I usually say, Right, Ill be with you shortly. And I leave them to it.

Other kids will say Can you help me, please? and Ill give them the same reply.

Now, without fail, the students who were stuck sit and vegetate until the teacher comes over. After all, theyve given their brains a message: Down tools! Theres nothing more we can do right now.

The kids who say they need help, however, are always to be found pondering over their work, trying to work out a solution.

Thats the influence of language!

I should add, I only ever hear the cries of Im stuck! in a class thats new to me. Very quickly the students learn that theyre not trees, so theyre not stuck!

This is not a denial of reality - its simply a way of INTERPRETING reality, and a much better, more effective way at that.

As a writer, I often hear people say theyd love to write a book. Recently one young woman said exactly that, then followed up with . . . but I dont suppose I ever will.

She was rather offended when I replied, No, I dont suppose you will.

However, we talked about negative language, and she was grateful for the advice. As Henry Ford so aptly put it: If you think you cant - youre right!

So how can we, as parents, help in our childs education and in life in general?

Help them monitor their language. And, as always, give them a good example by keeping our own language positive! Gently point out that I hate Chemistry! will only reinforce a negative attitude to that subject.

I need to work at Chemistry will make it easier to do just that!

When kids complain they are bored, encourage them to think, I could be more interested in this! The message to the brain? - Come on, rouse yourself! Take an interest.

So far, so good. But what about the negative language of others, which can so easily throw our kids off guard.

Heres a simple technique that, believe me, really works!

When you encounter a negative atmosphere or negative language, try to remove yourself from it. But if you cant, just imagine you are enclosed in a plastic bubble or glass bell jar - double or triple glazed if necessary!

Tell yourself that your positive contributions can go out and affect others, but their negative comments bounce off and dont get near you.

Try it. It works . . .

Happy parenting!